Three types of people

  1. This type I find infuriating, but have learnt not to hate. They love nothing better than to be the centre of attention, at any cost. They get themselves noticed the same way sand in your swimsuit does when taking it off after a day at the beach. In apparent contradiction, most people find this type charming. It hasn’t caused them too much discomfort during the day, maybe none at all, and now they have a fleeting memento of their day in existence. This type will openly and without trying to be funny claim that everyone loves them. They can’t bake, but no one has the heart or courage to tell them it tastes like value products from the pound shop. They hate being ignored so much, that any offense on this front gets dealt with by throwing all high moral standards in the bin and acting like a school boy throwing bits of paper at the communal bullying target. They are friends with everyone. And proceed to talk crap behind their back as soon as they have left the room. They are clever and knowledgeable, but manage to point this out as a pimp points out which one of their workers they think would fit the client best. They don’t work very hard, because they are already overachieving. They manage to remember that they have a distant relative who’s just had a baby, exactly when their boss has just had a baby; they throw a party in someone else’s honour for a minor favour they had done. They are surprised to be called sycophants. They thank people for their help, but only when no one else is around to hear them. They carry out conversations with two other people by setting up meetings with each one separately. They make sure their acolytes know all the possible ways to stroke their ego. If not, they kindly offer a loan with 150% interest rate. They like to climb the ladder, because they haven’t passed the age at which being the tallest around assures you the attention a gherkin gets in the burger. They don’t like dogs, because they can’t stand having something people find adorable or loyal in their presence. They bully you for years, then they apologise, want to be friends, and force you to shake their hand.
  2. This type I used to hate, but have learnt to love. They have the personality of a raw aubergine and the presence of a Corgi dog out for a walk on the beach. They are busy, and you can’t deny that when you see them out on the street hanging out with someone else. They invite you to a great event, but they never turn up themselves. They spend too much time painting their house. They are your friends, you have a bad day, they take offense and take action against you, they then are your friends again because they have a short memory and a good heart. They tell everyone about their love life past, present, and future. They can’t decide if they are proud or ashamed. I suspect they need the public to cast a vote. They have a sense of humour, kindly criticise their own flaws for the public’s entertainment, but will take your head off if you dare make fun of them. They are the neighbour who tells you you slam the door too hard by painting a picture of the previous tenant as an aggressive character. They suggest you trim your nose hair by rubbing their own with a proud look on their face. They point out that with the cost of your education they could have built a swimming pool; and they did. They always complain you never come out and when you have the time and contact them, they in some sphere of logic argue they can’t find the time in a three month period because they thought you moved away.
  3. This type I love and have learnt to respect. They stand up to you proving you are no better at times than type 1 or 2; I am thankful for it. They point out you are horrible. They demand you get help, because you need it. They point out you stink. They speak out when it means more for others than for them. They buy you drinks and don’t expect them in return; them pointing out you are better drunk than sober is a wise move. They don’t hold a grudge even when you do; that way you learn to do the same. They make mistakes knowing you will correct them. They make you realise that aubergines are actually very tasty when cooked and that your house probably needs painting too. They make you think secret santa isn’t such a stupid tradition after all. They ignore you, because you ignored them. They once did something very bad; many times they did something very good. They make you question whether being more lonely than a hermit crab might be a problem.

And as for Corgis, if you have one, make sure you take it out for a nice walk on the beach.

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