A Christmas card for organic chemists

Being the grinch that I am, I thought I might as well jump on the celebration boat following the obvious reasoning of ‘ I want to see the world burn’.

So, here is my take on the Christmas card/wishes business.

Having ’til not long ago worked as an organic chemist, I still find a connection to this world which provides me with plenty of inspiration. That is how this card came to be.

What about its meaning? I don’t want to risk it being misunderstood; I am sure it will be mostly ignored. But I have to try.

Here it is in the painful equivalent of explaining the joke.

  • If you’ve been naughty, did not follow proper protocol, and ended up with your beloved sample getting intimate with the Rotavap bath, then Santa has a great bottle of XquisitePhos ready for you
  • If you’ve been nice, followed proper protocol, and both optimised your eluent polarity and measured the Rf value for your sample, then Santa has a nice glassware brush waiting for you

You may be thinking ‘That makes no sense’. There are a couple of possible explanations: either I’ve mixed up my boxes or I planned this all along in a clever way; something that chemists call, use, and abuse: rational design.

Let’s assume it is the latter. I planned it this way. Why would the naughty chemist get the expensive present? Well, there is the old saying ‘Fortune favours the brave’, and as I have found for myself, playing by the rules gets you nowhere. Sometimes it goes wrong, but you have to take your chances if you want to get anything done.

There is one other clever interpretation of this metaphorical Christmas ‘wish-you-well’ item. There are a couple of things any organic chemist who’s been in the business for long enough cannot avoid: going on the Phos and having to clean glassware. Some, working on very well-funded projects, might have lab dishwashers (I actually don’t know what the proper name is for those). In that case I assume they would probably throw out the compromised glassware that can’t be cleaned this way. Maybe I was wrong.

It’s less likely that you can get away from the Phos. Which brings me to the label on the beloved expensive Christmas present:

XquisitePhos
ResplendentPlus grade
Purified by triple incantation
Immobilised onto unicorn tears

I am so proud of myself for coming up with this one that I won’t explain it. If you are a chemist and don’t get it, then I guess..you must be new? Good luck!

Happy holidays and may the Phos be with you!

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